Holy Shit Look At All This Fruit




Oh, man. Plums. That sure is a fruit (I guess).


Okay, I'll be real with you. We all know im on board as being 100% citrus aligned when it comes to the relative superiority of various fruits that people may or not eat. Oranges are, like, the shit. Everyone knows that. It's a fact. And lemons and Limes? Equally good on their own merit. (Grapefruits are trash though. We don't talk about grapefruit here.) But a really good plum? Like, a REALLY good one, full scale, juiciest motherfucker that ever lived, I'm talking bordering overripe. That shit could probably beat an orange. Probably.


But, most plums? Just aren't like that. They're just kind of... well, they exist, and you eat them, and they're gone. They're not very noteworthy. I'll pick up a plum, hoping for some of that sweet sweet juice that spills over my hand and makes a huge disgusting mess when I bite into it, and I'll just get some nonsensical solid mass and then a pit that's too big with meat that I can't get my teeth to bite off and then the dissatisfyingly underwhelming experience will be over and I'll feel a little like my time was wasted.


You know what else is fun about plums? (I am using a rare form of humor called sarcasm here, take note.) There are really not a lot of stock images of them. Which I guess is fair. They're not very good looking fruit. I guess if I was a fruit photographer plums would not be on my list of top ten fruit to take photographs of. Theres just nothing good. And I mean normally that's fine, because who the fuck needs stock images of plums? No one. I guess I don't either. Here's a fucking tree. Enjoy.


Bad plums don't even taste good. You'd think they could at least get that part right. It's like I'm eating an entirely different fruit. Fuck, maybe I am. There's probably different breeds of plums. If I'm just eating the wrong plums --


Hey, hold that thought actually. I'm going to the store.


Alright I'm back. I didn't get plums. I got a sink faucet. They didn't have plums. Smart business. Anyway.


If I'm just eating the wrong plums or something, please someone inform me what the FUCK the right kind of plums are and why they seem to be so rare in comparison to this middling inadequecy. Thank you in advance.

I guess these are probably plum flowers. They look nice I guess. That's a point in their favor. But I mean you can't really go wrong with flowering trees. They're pretty much all gorgeous. You ever seen an ugly flower on a tree? No you fucking have not. Don't bullshit me. They're all good. So there was really no way this specific flower could lose.


Anyway. It's hard to give plums a hard rating, because giving them a 4/10 like I'd like to give the boring inconvenient clump of plant meat that is the average plum would be unfair to those rare plums that are actually really good. But giving them a 10/10 would be just lying. So this fruit has two scores. That's fine I guess.


Now see if I'd written about prunes after all i could have talked about Digimon 02. That sounds way more interesting.